In March of 2023 I lost a baby. I was 21 weeks pregnant and had complications the entire pregnancy. An event like losing a baby is something you never imagine could happen to you. When something so catastrophic shows up at your doorstep, life becomes surreal. Trauma can do that. It can be so overwhelmingly terrifying that the only safe place to live is outside of yourself, looking in on your life as if it were a movie, not something that is actually happening to you, to your body, to your spirit.
The recovery from losing my baby boy was like trying to find my way out of a burning house. Consumed with the deepest grief I could ever know, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see my way out. Every part of me was engulfed.
Having had an emergency c-section, my body showed the scars of being torn open. . . my life ripped at the seams.
Family and friends held me, fed me, sobbed with me; they all showed up and carried me through somehow. Winter gave way to Spring. I would sit outside on days that the sun decided to show, doing everything I could just to exist. Through my pain I began to hear the birds again, to find my feet and the desire to walk, to try and put the pieces back together.
Spring turned to Summer, my mother and my brother flew in to be with me. We planted a huge garden. That garden would end up being more healing that I could ever have imagined. I spent so much time in it every day, processing what had happened in a way that only the dirt, and sweat, and tending to the earth can do for you.
I had so many moments of profound connection with friends and family that sustained me. I saw how truly loved I was. And I could dedicate so many more writings about how my husband Cole was my anchor to the world as I recovered, my sister Ellis my living angel. . . so many people that watched over me.
October came, and Roxanne booked a flight to come and be with me. Roxanne and I became fast friends when we met in graduate school over a decade ago. We had already done a lot of life together. Seeing each other through break-ups, moves, losses, walking alongside one another in a way that only women who truly see each other can.
By October, I had done a pretty ok job of 'Raggedy Anning' my life back together. I planned for Rox and I to spend a day apple picking and a day kayaking down the Piney River. I will never forget our day on the river.
We drove a little over and hour to get to the Piney. We rented solo kayaks and launched ourselves off. Being that it was October, we had the river entirely to ourselves. Looking back, it was probably the first time since March that I had really laughed. Every time I turned around, Rox was stuck or paddling backwards. I was getting a pretty good giggle out of both of our lackluster kayaking skills.
We found a sweet little beach in the middle of the river to stop and eat our packed lunch and take a cold plunge. As we sat wrapped in our towels, goosebumps covering our entire bodies, Rox did what she does best, she sat with me without trying to pretend. I showed her the scar on my belly, I sobbed. She asked me questions instead of offering me platitudes. We sat together on our little beach as women who have crossed thresholds together. Women who have seen the other through night sea journeys and trips to the underworld. We sat together on the river that day as sisters.
After a good while, we got back in our kayaks and set back out onto the river. Another journey shared. Another initiation witnessed. We glided along without words, just the sound of water over rock.
This small piece of story that I share today, is just that, such a small piece. Roxanne and I's friendship continues to deepen, and I am forever grateful for the experience of what it means to be in soulful connection with another woman, to celebrate each other, to be mirrors for one another, to travel along side by side in laughter and in silence.
Roxanne and I are hosting our first retreat together this coming February in her neck of the woods, the Catskills Mountains in NY at the Akera Retreat Center. Sister Beloved has been inspired by the connection we share as women in sisterhood and the desire to invite other women into the transformative power of being alongside one another without competition, or projection, or jealousy. This offering is about Rest. It's about simply Being. It's about deep nourishment on all levels. And it's all rooted in the power of true sisterhood.
Read more details here. We have plenty of space and dry towels for you on the banks of sisterhood.
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